I'm thinking a bit about graduate school these days. I don't mean "a bit" as a euphemism, or as stylistic placeholder, in that sentence; I really mean I'm thinking about it a little bit.
Five years ago, I was going into my last year of high school, and I was thinking a LOT about college: where I wanted to go (probably Columbia, but I hadn't yet seen the disarming apparent Jewtopia that is Penn), how I'd do on the SATs, which electives I'd take, how I'd pay for it, what I'd write my essay(s) about, what I'd major in, what I'd say I'd major in, &c. &c. &c.
There were of course other things on my mind -- girl(s), sports video games, general off-and-on misery; the usual -- but college was really all there was.
So after one year of finding myself -ish and three years of transcript-building (and -demolishing), more or less always assuming I'd head into the world of the academy, because a) I like reading and fancy myself an intellectual, albeit a meek one; b) being in school is much less taxing, having-responsibilities-wise, than most anything else; and c) for various reasons good and bad, I cannot really think of any other path. But, at the same time, I don't really want to follow that path as much as I thought I would...
On the cusp of my senior year, therefore, I am tugged at by a bunch of different (maybe irreconcilable) goals and needs, and am unsurprisingly as lost as I've ever been, with the stakes raised to levels that seem almost unfair.
For one thing, I need -- stress on NEED -- to get the hell out of OrthoJew-dom, ASAP. The urgency of this cannot be overstated. Basically, I'm not part of the 'faith community' (if I'd validate Brooklyn enough to call it either a community or an entity in any way related to faith), and I certainly don't share any of the values flying around these parts. And living away from home would probably be good for me.
Second, I need at least one good friend. I learned a few things in my yeshivah year -- e.g., Bnei Akiva-brand Religious Zionism is crazy, Americans can be crazier, Tanakh can be cool, it's really fun to really acquire a language -- but none more strongly (in this connection) than the fact that I can't get by without friends. (This knowledge was reinforced in a big way by my experience in China almost two years ago. I was lonely, and my having a girlfriend -- she wasn't there with me, but my being in a relationship at all -- didn't help as much as I would have thought.)
Third, I need to have books close at hand, and outlets for talking about them. Working on/picking up a language would be a big plus.
Fourth, I need to have some kind of Jewish involvement. I don't know if this means socially or intellectually or emotionally or communally or what, but something. This doesn't mean kosher food or minyan, per se -- God knows that's no sticking point -- and it probably doesn't mean MO-issue discussion group; but whatever it is, even if it means a Judaic Studies section of a library, or an occasional Kabbalat Shabbat service, I'm pretty sure I'll need something Jewish. This may just be a manifestation of a conservative-religious-identification-holdout strain, but I'm really not that good at getting myself.
Fifth, I'd like to figure out some kind of career-ish path, and do something that'll help me get there. I'm not feeling super-invested in this at the moment, but I feel it's not something I should ignore completely.
... So what to do? The options are as follows: I can look for entry-level jobs in writing- and editing-related fields (maybe publishing, maybe journalism-type), if such things are available. Or I can look for teaching positions in middle America or Europe or elsewhere (Goob sent me this site for teaching English in Korea). I can look into graduate programs in history, Judaic studies, religious studies, geography, education, or whatever else humanities/teaching types would be into. I can look into shorter-term programs like Yeshiva University's Revel Graduate School, where I can get a Master's in Medieval Jewish History. I can move to Wisconsin, look for work in a diner or library or congressman's office, and live in an apartment that will surely be cheaper than just about anything in New York.
That's what I've got so far.
Pretty lame blog post, if you ask me...
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A few things...
ReplyDeleteFirst of all - and I truly cannot stress this more - I cannot think of a worse idea than you in Revel except maybe you in Wisconsin. (And on that note, did you really use the word "diner," because I'm pretty sure we weren't just transported to the 50s.)
Anyway, I find myself at pretty much the same crossroads as I approach my final (cross your fingers!) year in college and wonder if perhaps the ivory tower is more of a beige or a yellow.
The only wild variable that you don't have to deal with as much is Israel or no Israel...
I don't think I can see you being happy out of the Jewish community (although I think you and Orthodoxy have ended your romance)if for no other reason than that we humans crave the comfort of familiarity and I think you value having people who understand you and where you come from.
Well this is becoming quite long-winded and it might not be the best venue for this. I'm sure we can discuss it later...
T
Okay, so my comment...
ReplyDeleteFirst, I think that your post is not as depressing as you think. Most students our age are going through this, on some level or another. Granted you have some added facets, but still, we are all going through the "where do I go from here" phase. And I think we will all get through it.
Now I will give you my humble opinion. And this is the opinion of an engineer/math person...so take from it as you please...
First, in terms of career path, I would say to get a teaching job if you want. Go somewhere out there. Join some great group and help kids. I would love to do that. And I think it might help you find yourself intellectually a bit more--see what you want to do, where you want to be, what you want to learn. It will give you more time to read. Meet people who are doing different things. I find that chatting with people who have studied and worked in different areas has taught me so much. I've heard about things I might want to do, things I definitely don't want to do. It has led me to chat with others, on and on...
I think that jumping into grad school right away is not the best idea. And I can say this from firsthand experience. Take me. I submatriculated into a grad program...so easy for me to do, that I just said why not. I didn't listen to my friends who had made that mistake in the past. The mistake of jumping into grad school, then working, and realizing that your degree is not really what you wanted. I worked this summer, and realized that I don't think that I really want to do much related to what I am now getting a Master's in. Whatever, I think I will still do it, but just because it is easy for me and won't take me much time. But had I worked for a bit first, and spoken to people, and learned what ELSE was out there, I do not think that I would have made the same choices. Speaking to people can go a long way. I used to underestimate it.
(See next post...)
(continued)
ReplyDeleteNow, in terms of religion, and friends. I would like to preface this by saying that I am not one to talk...I just want to tell you what I think, and the experiences that I have had thus far. I also was brought up in a orth community, so I know what you mean. Then I went to college. First year, the last thing I wanted to do was go to Hillel. And not because I wanted to disassociate myself because now I was the "rebel college student." I didn't think they wanted me there, and so I didn't want to be there. I didn't know anyone, and who wants to be friends with a kid who doesn't know anyone? I was miserable, and only went when I had to. I practiced my religion more or less on my own for the first year. I was even invited to what I called the "pity Shabbat meal," which involved kids who, in my opinion, they knew should have been involved in the orth community, but were not for whatever reason. Needless to say, this did not increase my involvement. The one positive outcome: this forced me to make friends outside of the orthodox community, people who were not associated with things that I had spent my life associating with. Was it strange? Yes. Was it stranger that I didn't feel comfortable with other Jews like myself? Yes. I can say now that those friends that I made were some of my best college friends, and I am still close with them. It took me time to break into the orth community at school, and I did it...more second year, etc., and yes, I have orth friends now too. Also some of my best friends. But that doesn't mean that I don't still have my non-orth friends. To be completely honest--these friends have been a good outlet for me. Among other things, I can go to them when I am frustrated with religion and what to talk to an outside party, or just to vent for a few minutes. I don't know if I would have gotten through college without them. They are necessary friends.
The upshot of this whole rant about my friends: I think that you need friends like this, too. People who are different than you. Yes, the ones that ARE like you (like me, for instance) are necessary. But you need both. It will round you out, help you see the whole picture, and give you an outlet. That's what it has done for me, at least. Maybe you do have these friends, and I hope that you do. But this is one huge thing that I am taking away from college...never thought it would happen like this. But I'm happy it did.
And another point on religion. I have learned that my sense of "religion" is most strengthened when it is jeopardized. When I have to make a decision about something--do I sacrifice my beliefs or something else? This is when I learn the most about myself. I can think and think and think forever, but will not really know how I feel until I am in a situation where I have to act. I see the beliefs that really matter to me are the ones that I will not be willing to sacrifice.
Okay, my post is getting really long. I ramble. I do numbers, not words. It's okay...this is what I have to say. Comment back if you want, or just take it in. Would love to discuss more in depth anytime. I hope it sheds some light on what I have been through, and what I can say from my own experiences.